Image from www.thelancet.com

Lately my world is whirling around, spinning me off the ground and leaving me tumbling and falling many times in just a short period of time.  It was that abrupt and I am caught off-guard.  It was so fast…I had no clue it would happen to me.  Or maybe I was just too self-assured to be clueless.

Now, I’m confronted with so many things that my mind cannot put it everything into its logical order so that it could shed light on what is happening around me, to what I’m feeling, and to what I am wanting.

I had never been this clattered emotionally… not a single time in my life before…only until now. I don’t know how to begin and where to begin and with whom to begin finding myself back into the man I used to be.

For the past days I’ve been lost, I am terrified, I feel the uncertainties of life.  I can see but it feels like there is no one around.  I can feel but there’s no sense in all that I’m feeling.  I touch your face, but I could not feel your presence.  I kissed your lips but I feel so cold.  I embrace you yet it feels like there is no one I am holding to.

Each day that I go like this, I don’t know myself anymore.  Am I now into another journey or am I in the intersection of the road?

I know I love you but I don’t know for how long… I know I care but I don’t know if I can sustain that, just as we promised that it’s going to be for a lifetime.  It bleeds me to death seeing you tried so much yet I feel it’s not going to work.  It pains me to see you trying to be happy, trying to be okay.

How can I love you now that I don’t even know who myself is?  At this point, I wonder if this is the cruel side of love, or if love is playing games on me or it’s my heart and mind that is complicating things.

What is terrifying right now is that I don’t know and can’t remember a lot of things that is happening in me.  I just forgot, no matter how I tried.

Lately, I was confronted with a situation wherein I don’t and can’t even remember.  She asked if I still want her back and spends our lifetime together and then bind that love and start all over again.  I was shocked not because of the great feelings of love coming back again but it is because I can no longer recall how it was when I was with her.  How can I say yes when all memories of how it feels to be with her embrace were lost?  I know I loved her before, but I just can’t remember it no matter how I tried.  I know I was hurt but I could not feel its pain at the time that she left.  I just forgot how I loved her and how I ached when she left.  Isn’t that terrifying?

I must not focus on that.  I must stay in the line with what is left with me. Or else I might lose all.  Then by that time, I would be living a dead life…My heart is petrified and my soul is frozen.

But I feel that I’m wavering …

 Fate is kind and fate is cruel.  Fate is funny and fate is dead serious.  I wonder what fate has for me.  I wonder if fate is playing games on me.  And if he does, it’s not fair.

I lived and I loved. And I loved because I live.  What would life mean if nothing is but hatred, sorrows, fears and insecurities?  To live is to love. And to love is to survive because love, like fate, plays game on you.

Sitting still, feeling numb, and staring blankly.  That is how I was for the past days and I guess I will still be in the days to come. The last few days gave me so many lessons.  Lessons I shall keep if I have to keep my sanity and if I have to keep my faith.

I’m counting on my days… I’m clinging on to love. I don’t know if I love the right person and I don’t know if that person loves me right.  But what is loves worth, if I am losing time? And if I have to lose it in time.

What good does it bring if it causes me to break apart because I can not continue to love because I am running out of time and fate is playing on me?  Shall I die in vain knowing that the love they gave me was never reciprocated?

What then is life, what then is love and how does life and love equals fate?  Where does choice come into place? They said life is a choice, love is a choice, and happiness is a choice.  But do we have the choice over life, over our days if you knew you were running out of it?

"How I wish I can hold time in my hand"

Do you still have the option to be happy, to love, to live if what’s left in your mind is the clock ticking as you count your remaining days.  Wary about when will it be.  Is it still far or is it near. How I wish I can hold time in my hand.

They said that make the most out of your remaining days.  But how? How can you when you were caught off guard. Just days ago you were so happy, so blessed that there are people who loves you and had brought you so much happiness and joy when suddenly your days will be over.

Now I feel numb, I feel cold. I am in my solitary moment, yet I feel so many noise…deafening noise.  My mind is empty and my heart is full.

So, is this what fate and what choice is all about?

As the sun goes down, so does life fades...

Life is a gift. I had lived my life the way I want it to be.  Though there were times that I go astray, I would still proudly say I had a life well spent…the life that I desired to have.

But what if that life will soon be over?   What will you do?  How would you feel?

These are the questions that are difficult to answer, difficult to understand because life is wonderful.  Yet at some point life is cruel and life us unfair.  When everything seemed so well, then suddenly it strikes so fast and steals away from you that happiness, that love and that time.

Lately I’ve been so much blessed with love from two wonderful persons who made me strong despite what I’ve been going through.  They showed me how special I am to them.  When there are times that I am about to cry, they cheer me up. And at times that when I am giving up, they lift me back to life.

But what pains me most is that I can’t love them back the way they love me.  My heart is aching and it’s tearing me apart.  But what can I do if the time will come that I can no longer feel the love they have for me?  What can I do if my life ceases to beat and exist no more?

I don’t have much time left…

I had traveled far, I had conquered my fears and I had come into good terms with my self.  At some point I journeyed my life in manners some don’t understand.  They can’t comprehend the point I am living for.  I had traveled more than enough to find myself, to make me strong, to make feel complete.

And that journey will soon be over…And I shall never weep nor despair because at the end of this journey is another destination where I know, deep in my heart and deep in my soul, I shall be enjoying traveling again that new road ahead.

And with that, life never ceases to exist…when  life’s journey end, another one is waiting.

The sun goes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now, my universe will never be the same until you came… So goes the song entitled Glad You Came.

The time I thought that I would be in the dark as the sun goes down on me.  I was in solitary moments many times.  Those sleepless nights recalling memories that we share and tears would just fall down my cheeks.  I never realize that as darkness fills in, there is still beauty around.

Image from www.scienceforkids.org

The sun goes down, the stars come out.  It took me a while to realize that out of the darkness that fills around, the stars are shining bright. And I saw my star….   My star had been there all along waiting for me to notice it.

My star sparks my life to move on, and my heart to beat.  Unexpectedly, that Star showed me the wonder of life, that even in darkness, there is beauty in it and there is life worth living.

My star made me realize that all that counts is here and now… I am so much blessed that my star came and shone brightly on my dark-filled life.  My star gave new energy that my heart now beats so fast every time my star is with me.  And just the thought of my Star is enough to make my day.

Because of that “my universe will never be the same until you came…”

Bongao Peak from afar

The last week of November is usually my vacation week as I have to go home in Cagayan de Oro for a fiesta and a school reunion. But November of 2011, I decided to change plans, instead, I travelled with a friend and went to Tawi-tawi.

Most people who hears the word Tawi-tawi would associate it to kidnapping, war and hostile people. But then it was on the contrary the people there were very accomodating, hospitable and friendly.  Somebody offered as a place to stay during the entire duration.

Tawi-Tawi offers a lot from trekking to white sand beaches to scenic diving spots.  I got the chance to do diving when I met a group of researchers from the Worldwide Wildlife Fund.

But what I can’t forget in Tawi-Tawi is the mystical Bongao Peak, the Sacred Mountain of the Muslims believed to have the power to heal sickness of people and cleanse you from your sins.  And once you had made your promise to climb, you should fulfill it, otherwise you will get sick.

Going to Bongao Peak is not that difficult as there are trails, some points have cemented stairs.  It is not so steep.  Descent and ascent are not so difficult.  There is also this belief that when you have difficulty climbing the mountain means that you have more sins.  And this is the reason why you will see all over the place some white piece of cloth, some are plastic and other materials tied up in a tree or a branch.  It is believed that this practice will lessen the burden and cleanse your sin.  At first I thought it was some sort of vandalism or craziness.  Upon learning this, I jokingly told my friend, that if ever he has difficulty climbing, pretend that its a lot easier, our guide might think we are so sinful.

Another worth seing during the climb are the Philippine Macaque monkeys.  This is the reason why my friends told me that we should bring bananas during the climb.  As soon as these monkeys hear or see humans approaching, they will gather or approach you, asking for bananas.  Compared to the monkeys in Palawan where they will steal your belongings or your bananas, these monkeys are so well mannered that they will askfor bananas and they wait until they are given.  At one point I left a number of bananas in the shelter, and there were several male monkeys nearby, that I appreciated there being so prim and proper.  Once you offer a banana, the monkeys will slowly come near and get it.

Reaching the top of Bongao Peak, you will see a burial site purported to be one of the Islamic Missionaries.  It is believed that praying there can heal the sick.  You will have to go inside the tomb and offer something ( as for me, some few coins) and offered my prayers.  I prayed for blessings and healing of my illness.  I was so amazed upon entering inside the tomb, which, from the outside seemed ordinary, but inside smells so good.  Inside, I had never felt as peaceful at that time for the past months or maybe years.

At the peak, I also tied a piece of plastic in one of the branches of a small tree to cleanse me from my sins.  I did what locals do upon reaching the top.  The tranquility, calmness and the cold wind blowing seeped through my mind and body that I felt so energized. I felt like I am transformed and renewed.

The view of Sanga-Sanga Island and the airport as seen on top of the peak.

The peak offers a picturesque view of Sanga-Sanga island where the airport is situated. On a clear day, you can see Simunul, Sitangkai and Sibutu islands.  One can also see cargo ships passing by from afar.

As I left Bongao Peak, I felt something strange, I feel ecstatic, somehow I had come to have peace.  I felt I was so much blessed.

I woke up early at one o’clock in the morning. Perhaps because of excitement or fear into traveling alone in a place I haven’t been before. Though I am used to travelling alone in places I’ve never been into, this time it’s diffirent. My travels before were work related. I am fetched in the airport or in the bus station. There were people who can tour me around. But my trip over the weekend was purely for personal fulfillment, adventure and fun. At four in the morning, I headed to the airport with a friend who’s going to travel to Zamboanga and Tawi-tawi. At six in the morning the plane took off bound for Ozamis City.

Ozamis City existed long before the Spaniards came whose inhabitants were mostly Subano from the original term Subanen. They are a group of original settlers of Zamboanga ang Misamis Occidental and who were known as the aborigines of the island of Mindanao. Subanen means “river people.” They are also the most peaceful tribe in Mindanao who escaped from the Muslim group of invaders. The Subano’s used to settle along river banks known also as “suba” but now they are in the mountain areas as they evade the invasion of the Tausug.

Ozamis City is the capital city of Misamis Occidental. The word Misamis came from the Subano word kuyamis meaning “a variety of coconut”. Later, the word transformed into Misamis which is easier to pronounce. The place was conquered by Spaniards not by force but by faith when Jesuit missionaries introduced Christianity. Most famous of these Jesuits were Father Ducos and Father Paver who helped the little town from the cruelty of the pirates who broke the peace and quitness of the place. In order to do that, the said Jesuits led the construction of the now historic fort called Fuerte de la Concepcion y del Triunfo in 1756.

Ozamis became a city in 1948 by virtue of Republic Act 321 and it was named after the late Senator Jose Ozamiz, a homegrown political figure in the 1940′s. During the Japanese occupation, he led resistance activities in this part of the country against the occupying Japanese forces. He was captured, imprisoned and then executed by the Japanese in Manila.

Ozamis city can be reached directly from Manila via Airphil Express and Cebu Pacific once a day. From the Ninoy Aquino Domestic Airport in Ozamis City, you can reach the city through a tricycle which cost sixty pesos per person.

The city offers a variety of hotel accommodations which suits your budget. For more information on accommodations, please refer to the link http://www.ozamiscity.com

Tourist attractions includes the famous Fuerte de la Concepcion y del Triunfo also knows as the Cotta or Fort, Malindang Golf Course, the Bells of the Bukagan Hills which you should never miss; the Cathedral Church and Pipe Organ, Heroes Park and the Botanical Garden to name a few.

Surely your stay and travel at Ozamis City will be one of the most interesting and exciting trips you will definitely enjoy.